Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Anti Bullying Day

"Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target"."- Wikipedia

SO!! you might be wondering why on my track to weight loss there is a bullying topic.. I believe that bullying in my life had a lot to do with where my mind goes when I think about being over weight or the challenges that come along with it. This is not to make you  feel sorry for me because I had to deal with it. It is to say how horrible things can be said 15 years ago and still stick with you whether it was over your weight, the color of your skin, where you were from what clothes you wore, if you had braces if you didn’t have braces etc etc etc. I believe everyone has probably either seen bullying take place or has been directly affected by it or has taken part in it.

Looking back I know I was not a large child I know that I was not overweight I know that because I developed and had hips and other attributes early that kids may have seen that as different than the rest. As a teen I thought I was "fat" ugh I hate that word.. I look back now and think oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how did I ever think that!! why was I so convinced????

Junior high is like hell.... yup that about sums it up.

Pressure to fit in when it came to our school was pretty important… at least that is how I felt, it’s funny you do not see past the moment when you are 14 you just see what is in front of you and what to wear the next day to school... again at least that was me. I will never forget being in grade 8 I mean I know all kids are mean I am sure I was probably mean to people ( I am so sorry if I was), I rocked out bangs that make me laugh so hard now and yes I was awkward and had braces the whole nine yards but until things started being said about me like I was the fat friend, I wore the wrong kind of clothing I was frigid.. thank god I was!

 I never thought I had a weight problem I can remember the exact moment I felt I looked this way. I was standing at my locker talking to my BFF Amber ( Still my BFF always has been always will be 22 years strong) looked at me and calmly said in a few mins someone is going to give you a note ( the form of communication before facebook and text messages) Amber said do not read this note just hand it to me and forget about it. Well when the note was handed to me Amber batted it out of my hands before I could get a good grip on it to see what it said. What I read changed my view on people a little bit at that exact moment I think it was the first time I could actually feel a knife being pushed through my back (a feeling we just get used to after being betrayed enough times) this note said things like You are fat, you smell no one likes you etc. and it was signed by almost everyone in my grade 8 class... Amber just stared at me ready for the emotional breakdown.. It didn’t happen right there it just kind of took a second to sink in.. I remember being full of rage at first .. I mostly felt like I could never look up off the ground again then I ripped it up walked over and threw it at the delivery girl... that felt ok.. then math class oh god how was I supposed to face my class... I did it I was shaking the entire time and I got about five mins into the class... and then I burst kind of like a volcano I just BURST into tears like I felt sort of like a cartoon that has water just spraying out of my eyes. Funny thing is the teacher just sent me to the washroom I don’t even know if he found out about what happened or said anything I do know that Amber was right beside me I cried for a long time out of embarrassment and disappointment and just everything. From that moment on I thought differently of myself and even just writing this out I feel a little lift of weight off my shoulders. Other things happened throughout those years I tore my calf muscle in grade nine I was on crutches and a boy told me I should call my calf muscles cow muscles that one never left my mind that’s for sure ( stupid boys).. Okay more to the point of all of this

Bullying and weight gain kind of go hand in hand for me ( I’m not blaming the bullying just saying it played a factor in my mind) .. I know there is a lot of psychology to it for a lot of people. For me I know that this incident or the comments I heard through those years probably never crossed their mind again or were justified by some reason or another for them but for me it’s been 15 years and I remember it like yesterday. Words can come out of your mouth to a person in a moment of whatever it is you are going through and mean nothing to you but that person who you are saying things to or about or whatever can stay with them forever.

This is not to call anyone out or make anyone feel bad or make anyone feel sorry for that moment in my life because I am sure everyone has one of those it is just to simply get it out there tell you a story about bullying.... it happens at any age. There is one thing I am happy for however and it is the fact that schools and teachers and parents are more aware of this problem now.... it took a while to get it out there but I know that there is so much awareness and even so much more talk about it. Thank god because maybe by teaching our kids young enough to be accepting and honest and open changes a path for someone, maybe it saves a life. I hope so anyways.

OKAY next blog will be WAY MORE FUN I PROMISE. This was more like a journal entry lol

Monday, 27 February 2012

Week number one!

First off I would like to say THANK YOU to everyone for their support and encouragement with not only starting this blog but starting a big change in my life!

About two weeks ago I was getting ready for work .. tried about 3 different pairs of dress pants on that last year I thought were my fat pants.... surprise they are this year’s skinny pants.. Damnit I knew there was a reason I had been avoiding them. See that is the problem with me I just avoid things that will actually confirm what I know in my head... clothing and scales are my most avoided objects to deal with. This time last year was 6 months to my wedding something I knew that if I gained any more weight before I could quite possibly not fit in my dress so there was the fear of that over my head ( Fear works for me) not that I lost any weight at that time I just kept it at bay you know?

6 months ago I was married and it was the happiest day of my life and usually I look at pictures and say.. well I didn’t THINK I looked that big, but for my wedding I thought that was the way I was supposed to look it was everything I could have wanted I was not going to starve myself or go crazy to be the smallest I have ever been for my wedding I just enjoyed it all. After the wedding was said and done we went on our honeymoon... ok beach and bathing suits etc etc that’s when I wished I hit the gym an extra day out of the week and skipped a wine party here or there but what the hell I was with my husband and everything was magical anyways. We got home and that attitude did not change.. we just continued to eat and drink and be merry for the last 6 months.. and my body has paid for it.....

Oh yah the realization factor... so after trying on every pair of dress pants I had before resorting back to my usual boring black dress pants that actually fit ( mad face) I realized something had to give and it was me I was stopping myself from making myself feel great ... because trust me not fitting your own clothes is just horrid.

I decided I needed a plan I would stick to and the 30 day shred had been suggest by a few friends after reading some reviews I ran out one lunch hour grabbed the video that I had picked up and looked at and placed back down probably 4 times in the last six months, picked up my weights and purchased it all... no turning back now!!!

That night I thought about what would stop me the next morning from getting into the routine .. what would stand in my way ... ( Laziness that’s what) so Mike ( my oh so supportive husband) cleared the living room with me getting rid of all the Brewster( my oh so crazy dog) toys and bed and I actually learned how to make the DVD player work!!!! we went to bed that night and I made Mike promise to get me out of bed in the morning with him so that I would not just hit the snooze button 6 times which is my normal course of action.

Alarm went off.... uughhhhhhhhhhh ok you can do this and the nagging in my ear to get out of bed helped I HATE that first 10 mins of waking up it’s the worst. OK change then work out ... its only 20 mins. WAIT. I had to take a before pic.. I mean if I was going to do this I needed to see myself at my worst.. so I took the pic which for obvs reasons ( like it’s my pic of me at my worst) it will not be posted, also why the heck did I not do it the night before you can tell in this pic that it is within that span of 10 mins where I want to push anyone over who gets in my way.

Now that the 10 mins of grogginess and annoyance was gone it was time to do this .. water in hand dog paying close attention to what was happening in HIS play space. Mike made sure I turned on the DVD  and walked out but not before saying "Babe YOU WORK OUT!!" like the LMFAO song.. Instantly made my morning worth it. Before I knew it the 20 mins had begun and you know what it was not that bad (Brewster had his own issues which I will save for a whole other day) but i was actually enjoying this intense 3 2 1 system. UNTIL jump rope with no rope my legs were killing me !!!! once it was over however it was amazing 20 MINS that’s nothing!!!! off to make my morning shake! perfect! Sheer satisfaction.

That was the first step the first thing I really wanted to make sure I do every day!!! and I have been good!!! it has been awesome to get that little punch of heart rate racing at one point in the day! it has not always been mornings which this week I will be pushing myself to do because I feel it is a great way to start the day and it really is a whole other kind of energy after you have a great work out long or short it’s just doing more than I was before!!

SO that’s that!!! I will be writing again soon I have a lot of things going on in my life directly related to keeping me on track and I am so excited to start trying them out or to start seeing the benefits from the things I am already doing!

PS. I am proud to say I have had NO pop and on Saturday I drank vodka &water with a little bit of cran to replace the wine.... it did the trick... a little too well.

Thursday, 23 February 2012


Blogging hey.... so many people do it, I guess it is the new Journal .. only people can read it..... I may be re- thinking this whole idea, then again I do not leave much for people to guess at in my life anyways. That is the way it has always been, if you know me you probably know EVERYTHING about me and you chose to stick around. Still the idea of writing things out and having people read them probably scares me more because I am the worst writer .. spelling, grammer you name it we are not friends.. however I am good at word vommit.. telling you exactly what is going through my head as it spills out on ... well this is not paper, screen we will go with screen. DO NOT JUDGE ME or correct me.. this is my journal and that would be annoying.

Anyways.. I decided to start a blog as I am on a new track in life!! well I am starting to stay on a track in life without falling off of it like I have so many times. I am hoping  writing about it will keep the motivation up to get some weight off. Yes my problem is weight!! ( shocking I know.. J/K)   I am sure there will be many different random stories that occur probably about my crazy dog or my husband who I am sure thinks I am a nutbar ( he loves me anyways). So here we go... this is a blog post.. the very first one! Meep! ( That is my excited noise FYI)

Change my eating habits...  * Eat breakfast *Cook more( ok start cooking) *Do not eat out every day for lunch *Eat at the dining room table ( not the couch) *Do the dinner thing before 7pm *Make sure I eat something green with every meal *Start to ENJOY cooking ( that comes after starting to cook) *Drink more water *Drink less wine ( Damn) *Eat an apple at 3pm (Not a cookie)* No more pop.


Start to do the things I say I will when it comes to physical activity.....Go to the gym ( as a schedule) * Start the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred..every day * Start to run outside ( not that I ran inside.. so start to general) 


Blog about it ... weekly... not just this one time.

So... thank you for sticking with me, thank you for pushing me and thank you for accepting my crazy ideas friends... this will be fun!