Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Anti Bullying Day

"Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target"."- Wikipedia

SO!! you might be wondering why on my track to weight loss there is a bullying topic.. I believe that bullying in my life had a lot to do with where my mind goes when I think about being over weight or the challenges that come along with it. This is not to make you  feel sorry for me because I had to deal with it. It is to say how horrible things can be said 15 years ago and still stick with you whether it was over your weight, the color of your skin, where you were from what clothes you wore, if you had braces if you didn’t have braces etc etc etc. I believe everyone has probably either seen bullying take place or has been directly affected by it or has taken part in it.

Looking back I know I was not a large child I know that I was not overweight I know that because I developed and had hips and other attributes early that kids may have seen that as different than the rest. As a teen I thought I was "fat" ugh I hate that word.. I look back now and think oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how did I ever think that!! why was I so convinced????

Junior high is like hell.... yup that about sums it up.

Pressure to fit in when it came to our school was pretty important… at least that is how I felt, it’s funny you do not see past the moment when you are 14 you just see what is in front of you and what to wear the next day to school... again at least that was me. I will never forget being in grade 8 I mean I know all kids are mean I am sure I was probably mean to people ( I am so sorry if I was), I rocked out bangs that make me laugh so hard now and yes I was awkward and had braces the whole nine yards but until things started being said about me like I was the fat friend, I wore the wrong kind of clothing I was frigid.. thank god I was!

 I never thought I had a weight problem I can remember the exact moment I felt I looked this way. I was standing at my locker talking to my BFF Amber ( Still my BFF always has been always will be 22 years strong) looked at me and calmly said in a few mins someone is going to give you a note ( the form of communication before facebook and text messages) Amber said do not read this note just hand it to me and forget about it. Well when the note was handed to me Amber batted it out of my hands before I could get a good grip on it to see what it said. What I read changed my view on people a little bit at that exact moment I think it was the first time I could actually feel a knife being pushed through my back (a feeling we just get used to after being betrayed enough times) this note said things like You are fat, you smell no one likes you etc. and it was signed by almost everyone in my grade 8 class... Amber just stared at me ready for the emotional breakdown.. It didn’t happen right there it just kind of took a second to sink in.. I remember being full of rage at first .. I mostly felt like I could never look up off the ground again then I ripped it up walked over and threw it at the delivery girl... that felt ok.. then math class oh god how was I supposed to face my class... I did it I was shaking the entire time and I got about five mins into the class... and then I burst kind of like a volcano I just BURST into tears like I felt sort of like a cartoon that has water just spraying out of my eyes. Funny thing is the teacher just sent me to the washroom I don’t even know if he found out about what happened or said anything I do know that Amber was right beside me I cried for a long time out of embarrassment and disappointment and just everything. From that moment on I thought differently of myself and even just writing this out I feel a little lift of weight off my shoulders. Other things happened throughout those years I tore my calf muscle in grade nine I was on crutches and a boy told me I should call my calf muscles cow muscles that one never left my mind that’s for sure ( stupid boys).. Okay more to the point of all of this

Bullying and weight gain kind of go hand in hand for me ( I’m not blaming the bullying just saying it played a factor in my mind) .. I know there is a lot of psychology to it for a lot of people. For me I know that this incident or the comments I heard through those years probably never crossed their mind again or were justified by some reason or another for them but for me it’s been 15 years and I remember it like yesterday. Words can come out of your mouth to a person in a moment of whatever it is you are going through and mean nothing to you but that person who you are saying things to or about or whatever can stay with them forever.

This is not to call anyone out or make anyone feel bad or make anyone feel sorry for that moment in my life because I am sure everyone has one of those it is just to simply get it out there tell you a story about bullying.... it happens at any age. There is one thing I am happy for however and it is the fact that schools and teachers and parents are more aware of this problem now.... it took a while to get it out there but I know that there is so much awareness and even so much more talk about it. Thank god because maybe by teaching our kids young enough to be accepting and honest and open changes a path for someone, maybe it saves a life. I hope so anyways.

OKAY next blog will be WAY MORE FUN I PROMISE. This was more like a journal entry lol

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