Wednesday, 8 January 2014

2014? That snuck up !

Hello 2014?

Haha looks like I let over a year pass between actually writing anything down in here... and I missed it!!!
A few things in life have changed for the Page family!!

I will start from the begining (well what feels like the begining)
Brooke Frances Page was born at 12:59 AM on November 28th 2012. It was early and so exciting !!! I will spare you the details of the process and all the silly hospital drama that followed ( its been over a year and i need to move on lol)

Bringing Brooke home was the most amazing feeling in the world! I will never forget getting in the door sitting on the couch with Brewster Mike and Brooke and passing out! we all had a well deserved nap!! the next few weeks brought Christmas and a wave of visitors from all over the country!

The year that was 2013 felt like a huge tornado of new experiences mostly as a new mom watching her daughter discover the world from as close as her crib mobile to as far as the beaches in Jamaica for Anisa and Morgans amazing wedding which was so much fun and we felt so blessed to be at and a part of! to Qualicum Beach and Vancouver (twice) to the Mountains in Panarama and even a weekend get away in Banff. This little girl had a few big experiences in her first year. Mike and I loved every moment of it!!

There was action at home too! the floods in Calgary were an eye opener in more ways than one... on one hand how distructive water is and on the other how people can gather and make a really tough situation manageamble. I know everyone did what they could to help out in any way that they could.

With that came the Calgary Stampede Brookes first!! no way we would miss that experience! I LOVE the Stampede and aside from the year I was not living in the country I have never missed it. I am so proud of the Stampede and what they did to pull resources together to make sure that the show went on come "Hell or High Water" I would also like to point out that they had a company come in from the states to help with the recovery as to not pull resources from the Calgarians who needed it most. There was a lot of controversy surrounding the fact that so much effort went in to making sure this tradition was not missed in our city and I for one am so happy with the way that it did play out.

So we took Brooke to the Stampede grounds on Sneak A Peak as to avoid any large crowds as she was still pretty little. Mom and dad joined us and Mike and I were even able to pop into Nashville North for a beer........ Blaire was concieved this night.

6 weeks later I knew something was up!!!! after one failed pregnancy test a few weeks prior after feeling sensations I had only ever felt before while pregnant I KNEW we were having another child! ( this all after we had decided to try right away then took it back saying no no we should hold off and put some money away...... looks like fate had a hand in this one)

In the time that we thought we were not pregnant we made a pretty huge plan to rent our home out in Auburn Bay and move in with my parents ( who we are so thankful for every day!)
after trying it out on Kijiji to see if we could get any bites a few days after coming up with this plan we had a lease signed and damage deposit on the way..... ( when I say I am going to do something it usually happens within a matter of hours... not little things like the dishes or cleaning my room but massive life changing decisions...)

to sum it up this is how the end of summer looked .. ready? because it was insane..
1. Pack ( This took a long time because Brooke was TERRIFIED of the sound of packing tape)
2. Go on a family vacation to BC - Vancouver and Qualicum Beach.. this was the last time we saw my Grandpa Hank who passed in September as a result of Cancer..... SO HAPPY we made this trip and even though it was a gloomy one we managed to create some fantastic family memories... my sister was even with us!
3. Start and complete a development in my parents basement to consist of a livingroom bedroom and washroom ( Brooke is lucky and has her own room at mom and dads already) ... in a matter of 2 weeks (Dad managed this.... how im not too sure)
4. Complete a storage room in our Auburn Bay house to hold MOST of our life until we return.
5. Clean the house so that it in fact looks the way it did when we moved in .. with the help of my mom and Rhonda this was completed.... amazingly.... I wanted to unpack everything right there and just start over again in our house! ... October isnt so far away right?
6. Have my good friend and roomie from Florida days Steffi and her boyfriend Dennis come visit for 5 days from GERMANY! it was an amazing time... it has been almost 9 years since we met and she is still someone that I can pick up with like nothing has ever changed! ( 2015 our turn to visit you!)
7. Be a part of and attend one of the most beautiful days I will ever experience! Watching Amber Ali and Rares Caraba tie the knot was special for everyone who knows them and I am so lucky and proud that they are such a huge part of our lives! ( Brooke has amazing god parents and people to look up to)
8. Celebrate the life of a man that is deeply missed all the time by his entire family XO Grandpa Hank
9. .................. Breathe and finally realize we are pregnant!!!!!

I think that all happened within 5 weeks... which in my opinion is crazy...... I forgot that in May we also fostered a 6 week old Puppy named Molly for 4 weeks while her new parents Meghan and Code waited for their amazing home to become THEIRS .. she is doing so well and such a good dog because of them!

... Now I have changed careers working with Morrison homes as a New Home Sales Assistant in Mahogany. Brooke is loving the fact that I am still with her every morning until at least noon and I have 2 days off in the week to spend just Mommy Daughter time! LOVE IT !! in all of that Mike alsp changed careers!! he went from Glass to Granite he is loving it and works with the best group of people!

In a very short 3 months we are expecting our second Daughter Blaire Elizabeth Page.... this pregnancy has FLOWN by and I have been horrible at remembering the fact that I am growing a child ( dont worry im not out boozing it up every night or anything lol) now that she is rolling around like crazy she is hard to forget about which I am thankful for!

  OK now you are all caught up!! I PROMISE I am going to be better at this this time!!!!! it had been a while since my hands were on an actual computer! ( smart phones will be the death of us all)

Remember.. I cant spell so dont judge me.

Hope everyone had an amazing 2013 and that 2014 is shaping up to make some of your wildest dreams come true!


Sunday, 24 June 2012

... This is the last straw.

Hello world, how you been?

I have been such a busy bee getting life on track and what not! Baby B is growing inside me at a quick pace and I am starting to feel that flutter moms talk about! I can not Wait till Mike can connect with this bean and feel it rolling around and kicking inside me!

Some of you have been wondering about my experience a few weeks back! here is the full story and how Baby B and I had our first operation together.

The last few months have been somewhat interesting. After entering my second trimester I was experiencing what 2 doctors and a hospital were calling heart burn...... ( heart burn is not in your back ps.) also I have seen more doctors in the last 20 weeks than in my entire lifetime!

These attacks were coming on usually in the evening and started out as a little annoyance and grew into what I can confidently call the most painful night of my life. After a few hours of discomfort at home and then a few more at my parents house ( I was in hysterics and Mike just does not have the motherly touch) Mom and I decided at 3 am it was time to go to the Hospital and not leave until something was done. This pain set in so quickly and out of the blue that the only response my body had was to throw up what felt like everything my stomach had to give and violently try to dispose of my organs!.. that's what it felt like anyways.

SO after 6 hours of waiting to see a Dr I was super brave.. got an IV and multiple blood tests ( I had NO fear of needles that day) took whatever I needed to in order to figure this out and get the pain to go away. Morphine was the only thing that worked to actually have me relax and get some sleep. I then had an ultrasound in the afternoon here it was decided the Gallbladder had to be removed. A lot of pregnant women go through this I guess the hormones in your body create some sort of reaction. THIS WAS SO SCARY.

My mom and dad had just left the hospital leaving Mike and I to make the first parenting decision we would make for our Little 13 week old bean. After a lot of talking and a lot of tears we decided that it would be better for everyone if we had it removed considering the amount of stress and pain Baby B and I were going through.

and so started my first ever over nighter alone in the hospital! Mom and Mike stayed with me as long as they could and I passed out. The next morning at about 11 am they came to get me... Now I have never been in for an operation have never been put under have never had to wear a hospital gown nothing. . . thank goodness. I feel pretty bad for the porter who took me down to the prep area for surgery I balled the whole way lol looking back I should have sucked it up but I guess by that time I was just spent. Mom stayed with me until they took me in I was shaking so bad I didn't even know how to control it. I remember it looking exactly like it does in the movies and thinking just how cold and sanitary it was!

I was strapped down ( not awesome) and told to breath.. think of a place I would like to be... I thought of a beach a hammock I layed in once while in Florida and the next think I know I was waking up in a PANIC. I remember feeling like something was still down my throat and because I had been crying had no way to breathe through my nose and holy shit my stomach KILLED the words "how is the baby" could not come out fast enough!!!!! then the oxygen mask was thrown on my face and I was staring up at 4 ladies trying to calm me down... first things first I thought ... just breathe then get them to find the heartbeat for Baby B then get this pain to go away. while I caught my breath ate some ice chips and had morphine pumped back into my body they looked for the little bean. I have never heard a more amazing noise than that of my baby after thinking it could be gone.

Now that I was doped up and found my mom in the hallway life was good. next step get all the gas out of my stomach as they pumped me full and used cameras and tools to get that horrible useless organ out of my body!!

Mike was in Red Deer for work at the time but it was a relief to speak with him after it was all done we both have never felt such a wave of emotion... yet. Thank you to Kathryn and Sue, Bella Savannah as well as Melanie for coming to visit and a HUGE thank you to Mom and Dad for taking me in for the week while Mike was away and helping me get better :) I love your couch. Oh and to nurse Brewster for giving me hours of cuddles and kisses.

SO NOW! we are 19 weeks along I am feeling like a HUMAN BEING AGAIN  and after a pretty dramatic 40 pound weight loss I am happy to be eating again and having more of an appetite. Now to let this little baby grow strong and healthy for another 21 weeks!!!

This Thursday June 28th Mike and I will be finding out if Baby B will be a baby Girl or Boy we are so excited to bond.. to stop calling it .. it and to start preparing for the days that it will be in the world!
I will be sure to post when we know and to start posting more than I was.

PLEASE SEND ME MEAL IDEAS love the support and the encouragement I am going to hit up more aquacize along with try out a few prenatal yoga classes coming up. I will keep you posted and I swear there will be no more hospital stories!!!

SO excited about life and our family !!!

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

What the..........beep.

WELLLLL HELLO WORLD! I am back in action!

Most of you may think that after my last blog post about my crazy health issues that my life could probably not get any more confusing.... it did.

On the Tuesday night after all the crazy hospital stuff I was feeling really tired and just off not surprising after the weekend I had just had however I though that maybe I should take a pregnancy test as things were just not feeling right ... I mean it would be negative anyways but at least it would be ruled out. So my loving Hubby brought me home two tests I took one immediately.. I was no stranger to pregnancy tests Mike and I had decided after the wedding that we would give it a whirl stop being careful and see if we could get pregnant however about 2 months ago we decided to stop because there was  a lot going on and the timing just did not feel right. So every other test 1 line would show up and I would wait for the magical second line... it never showed..... until this day when I was totally not expecting it sure enough clear as day an immediate double whammie .... my first thoughts.... my medication must be throwing me off.

I stepped out into the living room pee stick in hand and in disbelief said .. what ... the ... beep.

Mike could barely contain himself he was sooooo excited and there I was just a robot wondering how the heck this could have happened! .. well we all know how it happens but you know after all those times we were wanting it and totally consumed by it.. this is the time it happens... I know people say that all the time just relax have fun and you will get pregnant I just truly did not believe it to be true... I am proof.

We called my parents over who were under the impression Mike had been bit by a dog ( which he actually had but it was not bad) and I said I could not deal with one more thing I just wanted them both to come over (this is at 9pm... I love my parents) and after they walked past my perfectly placed visible pee stick and went straight to Mike to see if he was ok I picked it up and asked them if they were ready to be grandparents .. which they are and they are going to be the best! I drank ginger ale as they drank champagne ... I was still a robot so I took another test I refused to get too excited before I knew it was real.... and another two lines just looking back at me.

After a few appointments and some confusing conclusions and 4 weeks later I am now at 8.5 weeks 2 whole months. we have seen the ultrasound of the little jellybean and its heart fluttering away!! 151 beats a min! I never thought that this lifestyle change would actually turn into the biggest lifestyle change of my life!!!

Pregnancy for me has been EXHAUSTING but as people have been telling me it is a construction zone its going to be tiring! I have gotten over my fear of blood tests and I go today to get the word that everything is ok and we have a healthy baby growing in there. I know we told everyone a month earlier than the three month mark but I am confident that we are going to be just fine and if not we have the support of everyone we know...... let me tell you I have never been so afraid of something I can not control!!! the next 3 weeks need to fly by!

I went out today and picked up a pregnancy work out video specific for first second and third trimester along with post baby boot camp! I am down 11 pounds from when I started the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and I am hoping to keep you updated on everything I am trying to do to stay healthy and strong for this lil Baby Bean.

Thank you everyone for your support through this it has been a crazy crazy 2 months so far and I can only imagine what the next 31.5 weeks will bring!

If you have any great recipes I am always looking for more meals I can create at home and any new pregnant person advice is always appreciated!!

Tuesday, 13 March 2012


27 hours in Urgent Care
5 different doctors in 4 days
3 blood thinner injections to the stomach
2 chest x-rays
1 leg vein ultrasound
1 blood test

Figuring out exactly what I knew on my first visit .... priceless.

All I can say is holy shit the South Calgary Urgent Care Centre has got to get it together.

So you are probably wondering what this is all about, Thursday night I had come down with what felt like the flu, normal chills and sweats and all that jazz so I had a bath before bed. When I got out I reached for something on a shelf and my ankle ( which had not rolled recently or had any pressure on it at the time) went into some sort of spazz attack. you know that feeling you get when you are going to crack your ankle and the pain right before it does... well the pain didn't go away and it didn't crack and I could not stand on it what so ever ... I looked down and all I could see were all of the veins in my foot like ready to explode.. mike helped me to bed and at about 5 am the pain went away. I went to work thinking ok Ill go get some medication for this flu or cold or whatever at lunch. I told Amber ( who I am not only BFF's with but we also work together) about my foot and ow odd it was. She immediately asked me if it was the same leg I have had problems with over the last 6 months... and yes yes it was. So the problems with my leg .. it started every few months I would get a burning hot to touch numb part of my outer lower calf... I just thought it was odd then it happened every few weeks then every few days and sometimes now it lasts for days. SOOoooo it was decided through many good friends and family I should go to Urgent Care as a quick Internet research showed that it could be a blood clot.

Got to Urgent care with a crazy Fever going on and a really elevated heart rate so I did not have to wait too long.. I was brought back and told this story twice to the nurse and the Dr neither of which really paid any attention to the leg issue as they were worried about my heart at that point. So I was told to calm down have some Tylenol and water so I did and I was feeling a bit better Then the nurse strolls in with a basket full of NEEDLES WTF .. I have not had a needle for YEARS like 11 years and last time I had to get tested I pretty much crawled under my moms dashboard and told her she was the worst person I knew. .. anyways Mike was not there yet and I didn't have anyone to hide behind soo I had to man up.. and I did it .. needless to say my heart rate jumped again.. they even used a baby needle on me lol. Then I was wisped away to get a chest xray.. at this point I had no idea why. After a few hours of waiting for blood test results again had no idea what I was being tested for and the xray results to come back it was all figured out, or so I thought.

I was told that I have pneumonia and was given the antibiotics.. ok that explains the foggy part in my lung. I was then told that I need to get an ultrasound on my leg to figure out if there is a clot and seeing as it was now past closing time at that office I would have to wait until Monday .. but guess what I had to get blood thinner shots all weekend until this happened... so back to the Urgent Care every day....awesome my fave thing to do.

So we left feeling a bit of relief knowing about at least one thing going on. We went to my parents house as they had naturally taken care of Brewster through the evening. Mike and I left and I had crazy chills so I was wrapped in a blanket like a doll for the whole ride home. When we got home I finally ate something and took my first pill and Tylenol I was told I had to take 2 every 4 hours. to keep the fever and heart rate down... no biggie. About 5 mins after this I had CRAZY chest pains that felt like massive heart burn all around my chest and back... enough to freak Mike out so he called health like where I got to tell my story yet again. they said it was safe to say I was going to need to go to the Rockyview. SO in a panic I called my mom and off we went. were I got to tell my story 5 more times. The pain went away on the car ride there and did not come back at all and while I was sitting alone in the back with a room full of super sick ppl I felt me fever break and as I was looking at the clock reading 4 am Mike finally got to come back.. he had the smarts to ask when I was to be seen.... I was still 14th in line.. I asked if I could leave because honestly if it were a clot in my chest I felt like it would probably be an urgent thing where I would have been taken care of pretty quickly so we made the decision to come home and rest.

Saturday was so lazy I slept a lot. Mike did a million things around the house and even got Brewster bathed washed and clipped at the spa!! lucky guy. We went to Urgent Care again which was not a big deal every day at 5 I had to go so whatever I was just going to get one thing and was told it would be fast tracked so yay. yah no I got there and told them about the chest pain the night before meaning it was a whole other thing they needed to check out ( told my story 3 more times) finally got back and was told that I needed and ECG which was quick and then they let Mike back. now THIS DR decided I might not even have pneumonia and thought my blood tests came back negative for signs of DVT..good now at least I knew what they were looking for ( Deep Vein Thrombosis.... blood clot) so he lowered my dose of blood thinner and I was stabbed yet again.

Sunday was fine we went in fast tracked told my story again 3 more times got my needle and left.. perfect. However I was not sleeping at night because of the coughing so I was getting a little rough. Monday came and I went for my ultrasound... it was strange! first one of those! then I was told I had to go back to Urgent Care... damnit.

Back we went at 3:30 hoping that it would just be in and out figuring out it they saw anything.. at least that is what I was told.. told my story 6 times this day.... at this point i am wondering why the hell is this not on my chart!!!???? anyways I was told that the Ultrasound was clear YAY so in my mind it was all ok! but no wait now she had to listen to my lungs and guess what!!! there was crackling in my left lung... back to X rays then thrown in a room where the more urgent patients are... thank god Mike was with me because 2 hours went by where no one even talked to us.... this got me worried. Finally a nurse told me that my blood tests were positive for DVT... totally contradicting the doctor on Saturday night. So then we waited.. for what we were not sure.... then 5 hours had gone by and our politeness had ran out. I was in tears Mike was mad and still no one had seen us and no one cared to.. I really felt like I was just passed off. I get that there were people there with worse problems than I at the time but come on I just needed to know what was going on! FINALLY at 9:45 PM a Doctor came in said they were running more tests and blah blah same old things I had been told before only this guy couldn't even get the leg this was happening to right I corrected him from left to right 4 times.... and he was reading my chart.... WTF. soooooo after a looooonnnggg very frustrating evening it was finally discussed that I would be just sent to go home have the rest of my pills know that I possibly have a clot somewhere but they didn't know. ........

Now I get to fight with my family doctors receptionist....... its been fun.

SOOO there I have it...... not much.

ANYWAYS I am going to do everything possible to ensure this never happens to me again. EVER thank god I am on this path of getting healthy. I was convinced last week by a friend to sign up for a 5K run in May and I am going to do it!! Thursday night before life came crashing down Mike and I walked 5K and its not that bad!!! so once I can breathe properly again I will be starting to learn how to run!!!!!!!!

SO here is to a better week and hopefully some answers!!!!!!!

As always thank you everyone for your support!!! still going strong have not had any POP!!! lol water and OJ all the way! oh and thank you Amber B for adding me to Pinterest! also I am sorry if the story makes no sense ... its been a long 5 days.

Monday, 5 March 2012

The next level

Alright... time to step it up a notch. I decided I was ready for level 2 of the 30 day shred..... it may have to do with the fact that I did not work out yesterday and literally Mike and I sat on the couch and watched an entire days worth of movies and TV... I have been promising him this day for about 3 years; I keep us pretty busy out of the house. None the less I was feeling pretty bad about not doing ANYTHING yesterday.

I had a plan... get home, change, put dinner on, work out (feel like I could do a million things because I just finished a level 2 work out), eat, chat with the hubster then blog no TV ( aside from me video that does not count).

This is how my night actually went... home, chat... walk the dog for an hour together, make dinner, work out  (DIE ON THE COUCH), eat dinner ( half the portion I normally would.. yay me!) watch Canada's got talent ... blog then probably bed. So it was not really that off.

As I was working out to like the worst 20 mins ever... planking is the worst thing known to man.. I don’t event care about the skip rope anymore... but plank then twist your body... I will master that somehow... I don’t know what I did with it today, but as my husband watched holding the dog back( again I have to tell you about Brewster sometime) all he could say was "ummm maybe that’s not quite it, or hey! Maybe you should watch the easier version girl ( you know how they have like the pro example girl and the easy girl.. he was right) all I could think was this is so not the way this move should look.

 DAMNIT I HAVE DONE THIS IN MY LIFE ALREADY!!!! I lost a ton of weight while working in Florida ( 7 years ago) probably a combo of running my butt everywhere in the heat as I am usually late for things, swimming, the fear of having to be in a bathing suit .. (a lot) and the fact that most of us would pick to use our wages to drink adult beverages instead of eat ( where my love of wine came from).... yah that’s pretty much how it went, I didn’t really care how I shred it all, my care was I was coming home looking and feeling better than I ever have when I looked in a mirror or saw a picture, and you know what ... half of that was a killer tan. ( I hate snow and paleness ...however Amber once told me it’s better to be pale than eff with your DNA ... all you fake n bakers out there... every time I go to a tanning bed her voice is in my mind... I like my DNA... I think) anyways, what I am trying to say is, I HAD THE BODY I WANTED the look I wanted everything.. Only thing is I had no idea how to keep it. So as the partying continued I was back home, where food was free and I was not forced to run around all of Disney World or be in a bathing suit aside from the 3 month summer we see here. I just let it all go,... looking back I could slap myself.

Something that comes with age ( 27 this year.. what the hell! I was JUST turning 25) is learning how to give yourself the tools to succeed. DVD's, Gym, Zumba, Dance, Hiking  whatever it is I know I just need to stay active and try new things. Also know that when I eat that chicken Mcnugget ( yes even just one) it is going to stay in my hip for like EVER .... Mostly I think it is finding a balanced life, taking advice from those that have been here and know what works for them and looking at the long term goal. I know this is not going to happen overnight but as it does I will feel better than that girl who came back from Florida because I am doing it right. That being said!! could you send me your tricks of the trade what you do to make living a healthy lifestyle work for you?

FYI. Still have had NO POP.. Saturday night this last weekend I drank water. Last night I treated myself to one glass of wine.. Not a 9 oz more like a 6 oz and it made me so happy to have a treat! again Thank you to everyone for your support! I can feel the love and that helps so much!!!

PS. could someone please add me to Pinterest!!!!! I can not friggen figure out how to get in!!!! ... the button that says request an invite is a liar.

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Anti Bullying Day

"Bullying is a form of aggressive behavior manifested by the use of force or coercion to affect others, particularly when the behavior is habitual and involves an imbalance of power. It can include verbal harassment, physical assault or coercion and may be directed repeatedly towards particular victims, perhaps on grounds of race, religion, gender, sexuality, or ability.[2][3] The "imbalance of power" may be social power and/or physical power. The victim of bullying is sometimes referred to as a "target"."- Wikipedia

SO!! you might be wondering why on my track to weight loss there is a bullying topic.. I believe that bullying in my life had a lot to do with where my mind goes when I think about being over weight or the challenges that come along with it. This is not to make you  feel sorry for me because I had to deal with it. It is to say how horrible things can be said 15 years ago and still stick with you whether it was over your weight, the color of your skin, where you were from what clothes you wore, if you had braces if you didn’t have braces etc etc etc. I believe everyone has probably either seen bullying take place or has been directly affected by it or has taken part in it.

Looking back I know I was not a large child I know that I was not overweight I know that because I developed and had hips and other attributes early that kids may have seen that as different than the rest. As a teen I thought I was "fat" ugh I hate that word.. I look back now and think oh my god!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how did I ever think that!! why was I so convinced????

Junior high is like hell.... yup that about sums it up.

Pressure to fit in when it came to our school was pretty important… at least that is how I felt, it’s funny you do not see past the moment when you are 14 you just see what is in front of you and what to wear the next day to school... again at least that was me. I will never forget being in grade 8 I mean I know all kids are mean I am sure I was probably mean to people ( I am so sorry if I was), I rocked out bangs that make me laugh so hard now and yes I was awkward and had braces the whole nine yards but until things started being said about me like I was the fat friend, I wore the wrong kind of clothing I was frigid.. thank god I was!

 I never thought I had a weight problem I can remember the exact moment I felt I looked this way. I was standing at my locker talking to my BFF Amber ( Still my BFF always has been always will be 22 years strong) looked at me and calmly said in a few mins someone is going to give you a note ( the form of communication before facebook and text messages) Amber said do not read this note just hand it to me and forget about it. Well when the note was handed to me Amber batted it out of my hands before I could get a good grip on it to see what it said. What I read changed my view on people a little bit at that exact moment I think it was the first time I could actually feel a knife being pushed through my back (a feeling we just get used to after being betrayed enough times) this note said things like You are fat, you smell no one likes you etc. and it was signed by almost everyone in my grade 8 class... Amber just stared at me ready for the emotional breakdown.. It didn’t happen right there it just kind of took a second to sink in.. I remember being full of rage at first .. I mostly felt like I could never look up off the ground again then I ripped it up walked over and threw it at the delivery girl... that felt ok.. then math class oh god how was I supposed to face my class... I did it I was shaking the entire time and I got about five mins into the class... and then I burst kind of like a volcano I just BURST into tears like I felt sort of like a cartoon that has water just spraying out of my eyes. Funny thing is the teacher just sent me to the washroom I don’t even know if he found out about what happened or said anything I do know that Amber was right beside me I cried for a long time out of embarrassment and disappointment and just everything. From that moment on I thought differently of myself and even just writing this out I feel a little lift of weight off my shoulders. Other things happened throughout those years I tore my calf muscle in grade nine I was on crutches and a boy told me I should call my calf muscles cow muscles that one never left my mind that’s for sure ( stupid boys).. Okay more to the point of all of this

Bullying and weight gain kind of go hand in hand for me ( I’m not blaming the bullying just saying it played a factor in my mind) .. I know there is a lot of psychology to it for a lot of people. For me I know that this incident or the comments I heard through those years probably never crossed their mind again or were justified by some reason or another for them but for me it’s been 15 years and I remember it like yesterday. Words can come out of your mouth to a person in a moment of whatever it is you are going through and mean nothing to you but that person who you are saying things to or about or whatever can stay with them forever.

This is not to call anyone out or make anyone feel bad or make anyone feel sorry for that moment in my life because I am sure everyone has one of those it is just to simply get it out there tell you a story about bullying.... it happens at any age. There is one thing I am happy for however and it is the fact that schools and teachers and parents are more aware of this problem now.... it took a while to get it out there but I know that there is so much awareness and even so much more talk about it. Thank god because maybe by teaching our kids young enough to be accepting and honest and open changes a path for someone, maybe it saves a life. I hope so anyways.

OKAY next blog will be WAY MORE FUN I PROMISE. This was more like a journal entry lol

Monday, 27 February 2012

Week number one!

First off I would like to say THANK YOU to everyone for their support and encouragement with not only starting this blog but starting a big change in my life!

About two weeks ago I was getting ready for work .. tried about 3 different pairs of dress pants on that last year I thought were my fat pants.... surprise they are this year’s skinny pants.. Damnit I knew there was a reason I had been avoiding them. See that is the problem with me I just avoid things that will actually confirm what I know in my head... clothing and scales are my most avoided objects to deal with. This time last year was 6 months to my wedding something I knew that if I gained any more weight before I could quite possibly not fit in my dress so there was the fear of that over my head ( Fear works for me) not that I lost any weight at that time I just kept it at bay you know?

6 months ago I was married and it was the happiest day of my life and usually I look at pictures and say.. well I didn’t THINK I looked that big, but for my wedding I thought that was the way I was supposed to look it was everything I could have wanted I was not going to starve myself or go crazy to be the smallest I have ever been for my wedding I just enjoyed it all. After the wedding was said and done we went on our honeymoon... ok beach and bathing suits etc etc that’s when I wished I hit the gym an extra day out of the week and skipped a wine party here or there but what the hell I was with my husband and everything was magical anyways. We got home and that attitude did not change.. we just continued to eat and drink and be merry for the last 6 months.. and my body has paid for it.....

Oh yah the realization factor... so after trying on every pair of dress pants I had before resorting back to my usual boring black dress pants that actually fit ( mad face) I realized something had to give and it was me I was stopping myself from making myself feel great ... because trust me not fitting your own clothes is just horrid.

I decided I needed a plan I would stick to and the 30 day shred had been suggest by a few friends after reading some reviews I ran out one lunch hour grabbed the video that I had picked up and looked at and placed back down probably 4 times in the last six months, picked up my weights and purchased it all... no turning back now!!!

That night I thought about what would stop me the next morning from getting into the routine .. what would stand in my way ... ( Laziness that’s what) so Mike ( my oh so supportive husband) cleared the living room with me getting rid of all the Brewster( my oh so crazy dog) toys and bed and I actually learned how to make the DVD player work!!!! we went to bed that night and I made Mike promise to get me out of bed in the morning with him so that I would not just hit the snooze button 6 times which is my normal course of action.

Alarm went off.... uughhhhhhhhhhh ok you can do this and the nagging in my ear to get out of bed helped I HATE that first 10 mins of waking up it’s the worst. OK change then work out ... its only 20 mins. WAIT. I had to take a before pic.. I mean if I was going to do this I needed to see myself at my worst.. so I took the pic which for obvs reasons ( like it’s my pic of me at my worst) it will not be posted, also why the heck did I not do it the night before you can tell in this pic that it is within that span of 10 mins where I want to push anyone over who gets in my way.

Now that the 10 mins of grogginess and annoyance was gone it was time to do this .. water in hand dog paying close attention to what was happening in HIS play space. Mike made sure I turned on the DVD  and walked out but not before saying "Babe YOU WORK OUT!!" like the LMFAO song.. Instantly made my morning worth it. Before I knew it the 20 mins had begun and you know what it was not that bad (Brewster had his own issues which I will save for a whole other day) but i was actually enjoying this intense 3 2 1 system. UNTIL jump rope with no rope my legs were killing me !!!! once it was over however it was amazing 20 MINS that’s nothing!!!! off to make my morning shake! perfect! Sheer satisfaction.

That was the first step the first thing I really wanted to make sure I do every day!!! and I have been good!!! it has been awesome to get that little punch of heart rate racing at one point in the day! it has not always been mornings which this week I will be pushing myself to do because I feel it is a great way to start the day and it really is a whole other kind of energy after you have a great work out long or short it’s just doing more than I was before!!

SO that’s that!!! I will be writing again soon I have a lot of things going on in my life directly related to keeping me on track and I am so excited to start trying them out or to start seeing the benefits from the things I am already doing!

PS. I am proud to say I have had NO pop and on Saturday I drank vodka &water with a little bit of cran to replace the wine.... it did the trick... a little too well.